What it means to apologize

Go Ahead, Say You're Sorry

Before Jessica and I were dating, I read part of Venus and Mars on a Date, a book about helping men and women learn to communicate, especially during the "five stages of dating". It said that during the engagement stage of a relationship, learning to give and receive apologies is important. In fact, the authors claimed that it is more important for a man to learn to apologize, and more important for a woman to learn to accept an apology. Apparently the authors believed that men accepted apologies easier and women gave them easier. But that's not my point here.

At least for my part, I took it as good advice to overcome pride, let down defenses, and apologize. I knew it was going to be a good spiritual discipline to cultivate for the lifetime of marriage ahead. In the movie, Love Story, Ali MacGraw's infamous deathbed words to Ryan O'Neal may have been "Love means never having to say you're sorry." But as experience shows, that only works in the movies!

Love says sorry plenty, or at least should. A sincere apology, well and simply stated, clears the air when somebody fails to love, honor and do the laundry.

Taking responsibility is a sign of maturity. It's immature to get defensive or tell the other person they did something worse than what you did. Responsible acknowledgment staves off bitterness and sets the stage for change.

Change, of course, is the operative word. An apology without at least some semblance of improved behavior is as vacuous as a political party's pre-election promises. For an apology to count, you have to want to change and then follow Nike's advice and "just do it."

A genuine apology offered and accepted is one of the most profound interactions of people. It has the power to restore damaged relationships, be they on a small scale, between two people, such as spouses, or on a grand scale, between groups of people, even nations. If done correctly, an apology can heal humiliation and encourage forgiveness in the injured party.

Despite its importance, apologizing is antithetical to the ever-pervasive values of winning, success, and perfection. The successful apology requires empathy and the security and strength to admit fault, failure, and weakness. But we are so busy winning that we can't concede our own mistakes. Security in Christ, and knowledge of our weakness and need for him, are key.

We may even think we're right, and think "why apologize?" But I think many times it's not about being right or wrong. A true word at the wrong time or for the wrong purpose is wrong. Apology is not about who's right. It's not about winning. It's about restoring relationships.