When I was a younger and more impetuous man than I am now,
I used to go on long bike
rides at night. I would get restless, at say, 11pm or even past midnight,
and I would have to get out and go somewhere. At the time,
I didn't even have a bike, I would have to borrow href="http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/images/2002/tim-head.jpg">Tim's.
On these rides, I would think a lot, and pray to God, with whom I was href="http://esther.eastern.edu/~yacht/images/48hrs.jpg">struggling.
Sometimes I would pray in the middle of the bridge that looks upon the
"whirling blades of death," as a particularly frightening kinetic
sculpture on the Caltech campus came to be referred to. Jacob wrestled
the angel, and the angel was overcome. What was I wrestling with? And
would I overcome it?

A similar experience came over me tonight. Around 10pm, I had to leave
and go out, out there, and just roam in that darkness, where I
could be alone with my thoughts. Oh Lordy, don't nobody know my
troubles with God? Very few people are on the streets in Pasadena and
Altadena at that hour, especially in darkly lit neighborhoods. It gives a
man a chance to be surrounded by people, and yet be all alone, for all the
people are off somewhere, or most likely, snug in their homes, safe from
strange sojourners like myself.

Cloaked in that darkness, it feels as though I may as well be in my own
room, for the privacy it gives. I chose that time to address my Father
in Heaven, and I asked him, "What can I do to be more like you?" And I
could not take the answer, for there is so much, too much to handle at
once. And he knows that. So he teaches me one day at a time. I said, "I
want to love more like you love." Okay, then give. Be a servant and
give everything, until you have nothing left but your life. And then,
give that, and give it willingly. I recalled that God came and gave
himself for us, for reasons I hardly understand, but one day hope to. I
also recalled one of the things Jesus spoke while he was here among us, "No
one has greater love than to give up his own life for his friends"
href="http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?passage=JOHN%2B15%3A13&showfn=on&showxref=on&language=english&version=AMP&x=10&y=9">[John
15:13]. To love as Jesus loved, which all his followers are commanded
to do, demands sacrifice -- ultimate sacrifice. It may even be easier to
die for someone than it is to live for them. But for now,
my life is not immediately demanded, so I live, and I choose to love and
to sacrifice. The road to maturity is a long one, and few take it. I want to take it, but I do not know the way. The Lord must show me, day by day.

Racing through the dark urban jungle, I felt a longing, a deep longing. And I heard, This longing you
feel right now is barely a glimpse of what I feel when you ignore Me.
I am your Creator, Shane. Talk with Me. Walk with Me. I am always
with you and will never forsake you, even until the end of time.